As many of you know, I am a huge hockey fan. One of Yahoo Hockey Blog Puck Daddy's yearly features is eulogizing NHL teams as they are eliminated from the playoffs. Since Rick Santorum dropped out of the GOP Clown Car yesterday, I am here to eulogize him. What better way to send one of the GOP's creepiest and most vile homophobes packing?
Oh Rick Santorum, how so many of us will miss you. Your on-camera demeanor was like that coworker who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to carry on a conversation across the partitions of bathroom stalls. I had all the comfort watching you as I would watching my own mother give birth.
I will especially miss your Biff Tannen-esque misuse of figures of speech, how you said "[gay marriage] is like going out and saying 'That tree is a car.' Well the tree's not a car. A tree's a tree. Marriage is marriage." Makes about as much sense as a screen door on a battleship. Or something. And let's not even get started about how a napkin is neither a paper towel nor a car.
I'm sad that you won't be involved in the Romney campaign. The lack of "man on dog on car" jokes will be sorely disappointing. Though you would have fit in well with Romney's flip-flopping. After all, you did call the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell a "tragic social experiment," and yet said that you're sure gay soldier Stephen Hill is "doing an excellent job." And who can forget your ardent support of gay Iranians when you said of the Iran government "they're killing people because they're gay, which is a grave moral wrong." Quaint.
It's probably good that you're leaving though, tired as you are of being questioned on gay rights. I can't imagine what issue LGBT Americans would have with you. I mean you, the "pro-family" candidate, only vowed to destroy thousands of families by annulling all current gay marriages with a constitutional amendment. Surely their concerns were misplaced.
In all seriousness, I will miss you getting booed across the northeast. The unequivocal display of how a candidate with such antiquated social views has no place in a modern society brought a tear to my eye. And though I think glitter-bombing is stupid, watching you have to obtain a secret service detail after reprisals for promising to assault the happiness of thousands of Americans was a great display of the very ideals we hold dear. I'll miss imagining the horrified looks on the faces of conservatives everywhere as they googled your name, unwittingly stumbling upon Dan Savage's disgusting redefinition. I'll miss your claim to victimhood after you espoused the value of breaking the homes of thousands of LGBT parents and their children, showing what lunatics you and your ilk really are.
Most of all I'm sad we won't get to see you get steamrolled in your own state...again...because that would have been truly priceless. Goodbye Rick Santorum, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out. Seriously, you might like it.
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